“I’m dude! I’m a hunky dude! I’m a badass hunky dude…eh dudette!” By Meghna

The complications of trying to be a man...

Recently, I saw the movie She’s the Man for the millionth time again. I really love that movie! It’s based on one of favorite Shakespeare plays, Twelfth Night. I wrote a really cool paper on that one J But back to the movie. Since I was watching the movie for the millionth time (and no, I’m seriously not exaggerating) I decided to figure out what exactly it is about this film that keeps me so interested.

“Love: a matter of the heart or the brain?” by Meghna

As a Desi girl, love has always been an emotional thing. As a girl growing up in the West a fair amount of reason was added to this. For example, when I was about 15 years old my peers thought it was time for that first kiss. People who had kissed their childhood sweetheart earlier in life, shame on you! People who waited to find someone they actually wanted to kiss and ended up kissing in college, bad, bad, bad! After that kiss, there’s the “lose-your-virginity-thing”. This should also happen in high school, so that when you are in college you can go wild :p Lots and lots of dating happens in the first half of your twenties. When the thirties approach, one will finally fall in love (this can’t happen earlier in life) and settle down and have a family. This last part’s actually also really important in Desi society. We sort of skip everything before and go straight for marriage. What can I say? Indians are driven!

When I was in high school I began to clash with reason (in the form of my peers) whispering in my ear, “Meghna do this, Meghna do that… Meghna, what do you mean you already broke the rules!!” I didn’t participate in love the way most of my classmates did. They didn’t understand why (maybe that had something to do with cultural differences?) and used to mock my romantic ideas. Though deep inside they could admit that my dreams were “indeed very nice…sigh…”.

It hit me a while ago that we have different approaches to love. Some of us favor the emotional approach. Some of us would claim that this category consist purely of women. I’d like to disagree. Others approach love from a rational point of view. Some of us would claim that this category consists purely of men. I’d like to disagree. I don’t think you can put people in boxes just like that. I believe that between two extremes there is a grey area. But some of us would disagree with me. Some of us put themselves and others in a box because they like it. Makes them feel good, comfortable etc.

Like I said, being a Desi I approached love from an emotional angle. It was the way I’d always seen in fairy tales and movies and I really believed that the longing, the drama and the pain were an indication of real love. I read somewhere that people prefer overwhelming emotions to simple, nice emotions. Thus, pain is elected over happiness. This is what most Bollywood movies showed me while growing up. To me that was love. However, at some point I was tired. Just tired. Of all the drama, all the issues, all the games. I’d stopped feeling the pain or maybe just got used to it, I dunno. But I remember feeling tired and thinking, “Is this it? Is this love? Why the heck do we look for this thing? It’s totally overrated!”.

After some more turbulence in my love life I met a very down-to-earth guy. I felt at ease with him and appreciated his honesty, openness and practicality. Though in retrospect I must admit that our first date closely resembled a job interview. And after a while I started missing something. There was a spark, but no fire. He invoked reason to take steps in our relationship. On the third date a kiss was allowed. After 5 dates, I’d meet his friends. After the sixth date, his parents…bla bla bla… Since Meghna ignored the rules in high school, you can bet Meghna ignored them in college too. To me the relationship turned into friendship. There was no romance, no passion, no love, except the type you feel for a friend.

Both ways are not my way. At the same time, they’re both my way. I need reason mixed with emotions. I don’t want to feel like my love life is a neatly ordered timeline I’m following, but I don’t want to drown in drama that started goodness-knows-why-and-goodness-knows-how.  Balance, I believe is the keyword here. Balance between reason and emotions. So how does one do that? Approach love with reason and emotions… I thought maybe you start with one and then pull the other in. So I tried that.

I met a guy who looked good on paper. He had the same cultural background, same socio-economic background, he was nice and friendly, smart and attractive. It seemed perfect. My friend thought so too. My brain said, “Meghna this is the one for you”.  My heart said, “Hell no! Thank you.” It didn’t work out.

I met another guy who touched my heart. I can’t really explain why or how. Maybe it was just hormones or maybe I’m just a sucker for a good sense of humor. We didn’t share the same cultural background or socio-economic background. He was complex and not a pretty boy. Nevertheless, the attraction was very strong. My heart said, “Go for it! Love conquers all!”. My brain was silent. Though I’m inclined to think that it was gloating as it anticipated the outcome. Word of advice: if you’re the only one in a relationship who thinks love conquers all, you’re headed straight for Mount Doom, without Sam for comfort :s Unless, like me you have friends even better than Sam ;-)

I think that I need both reason and emotions together at the same time when love comes knocking on my door. They need to work together to guide me. Though they’re opposites, when they can resolve their differences they can complete each other beautifully and give me that sense of direction that I’ve never really known. I’m not sure how that works, but I guess practicing to listen to my heart and my brain at the same time should help, right?

"City in the Rain" by Nidhi Chanani

Happy Valentine's Day!

On this day people usually celebrate their relationships or crushes. I always did. But this year, I’d like to do something else. This year, I’d like to celebrate the love that I feel for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to spend the day as a narcissist. Rather, I’d like to remind myself today of the fact that I care about myself.

 Over the years, I’ve often given everything in relationships and kept nothing for myself. I’ve compromised over things I don’t want to compromise over. I’ve changed myself here and there because that was expected of me. But the truth is, I like myself just the way I am. I love that girl. So, why did I change again?

I have to be honest and thank all those people for their lessons. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have learned everything I have learned. Like,

Be yourself no matter what.

Be proud of that person, love her/him.

If you are unhappy with yourself, change those aspects of yourself that bother you. But do it for you!

In every relationship it’s a two way ride, always.

Don’t do things you’re not comfortable with.

If someone can’t accept you, he/she is not for you.

Last but not least, a single life is not devoid of love.

One of my girlfriends tells me that my standards are too high, or I need to compromise, or I need to stop being picky because I’m never going to find someone this way. But I don’t want to find someone. I don’t think it works like that. Love is not finding someone and settling down with a mortgage and kids, is it? That’s what you could do if you wanted when you’re in love, right? But finding someone doesn’t guarantee love, does it? After all, who the heck is someone?? That could be anyone! Anyone could be everyone! She didn’t understand this. So I said, “I can’t force myself to fall in love with some guy. I’m not a robot, I can’t flip the switch. If love happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.”



"Autumn breeze" by Nidhi Chanani

This year I’m single. But I’m not one of those singles who mops all day because they’re single today. No, Valentine’s Day is a day of love. So let’s celebrate love!  This year I celebrate the love I feel for myself. I celebrate the person I’ve become. I celebrate the fact that I have more loving friends and grew closer to those I already had. I celebrate my life, which is full of love! Not all kinds of love, but I have love in my life. Let’s enjoy that J

Now, I’m off to buy myself some heart-shaped chocolates…

Saniya's musings: "Marriage: My life or Yours? "

"Sindhoor" by Nidhi Chanani

Marriage. An institution which desi culture is basically based on. From the second you are born, even before you are born, your marriage will be talked about, fantasized about, planned out and, if you are lucky, your partner will be chosen for you (could also happen before you exist).


This is especially true for desis, sometimes I wonder if it is even more so for desi girls than boys. After all, the girl is sometimes seen as a burden in the family, she cannot carry on the family name nor go out and make money and can easily bring shame onto the family if she even as much as puts on nanometer of the nail of her pinky toe out of line.


Parents, family and friends, auntijis and unclejis who are NOT your family, the elders and even the children, are all obsessed with your marriage. Especially when you are of marriageable age and you better not get too old and past a certain age limit because after that, no man will want to marry you. All the good ones are taken between the ages of 18-24 (girls). For boys, no age limit. But mind you, the "good" boys will also be nabbed if you don't act quickly.


And so starts the hunt. In desi culture, there is always a wedding to attend so basically, you are always on the market. And so is your wedding resume, don't forget that. Auntijis will introduce you to their friends with, coincidentally, a handsome son (doctor, lawyer, investment banker) and tell them about you, your skills, your looks, your character (like they REALLY know you) but apparently they do know you, sometimes better than you know yourself. You can find out a lot about yourself listening to these people talk and negotiate, sometimes they are things you didn't even know you had or could do.


But what about my interests? My likes and dislikes? My issues? My pet peeves? In other words, what about ME? What say you there? A good girl doesn't have all those things. They are supposed to be sweet, soft spoken, patient, kind... and probably willing to be stepped all over.


So people start planning meetings for you, planning to find a boy for you, asking around, saying you are of marriageable age. There is such an extreme hurry to get the daughter married, quickly before no boy wants her, quickly (perhaps) before she gets a mind of her own and *gasp!*, becomes an independent woman who is set in her ways.


Marriage is a great way to bring honor to your family. The right business deal, the right amount of money, the right family, and poof, honor is bestowed upon your family and may the happy married couple be blessed and live in wedded bliss (lets not forget the whole when-are-you-going-to-get-a-baby thing comes next). But I come back to an earlier question. What about ME?


Isn't marriage a huge step? Is that really something you want to do because the time is right? Is it better to get married right now to anyone who seems like a good match, according to everyone else? You are the one who has to live with him and his family for the rest of your life. So shouldn't you be allowed to choose who you want to marry? And what if you do not meet him until you are way past the "marriageable" age?


Which choice is better? Getting married right now to someone who is chosen for you or waiting for someone who is compatible with you, someone you click with? Waiting until you know yourself a little better, until you have a better idea of your character, your interests, your passions, your sense of humor and then finding someone who shares that with you?


And if I may ask a really weird but perhaps spiritual question: If you "choose" to marry someone picked by other people for you when you are of marriageable age, will you be then living a life in which you are following your own path of life, set out for you and chosen by you, or will you be living a life which was actually meant for the person who picked your husband for you?


But if you choose to wait and find someone on your road of life who is compatible with you, does that mean you are living your own life to the fullest and not the life of someone else?


Example: Say you love chocolate. But chocolate is not available right now. So instead, caramel is chosen for you by some auntiji, who probably loves and approves of caramel. Wouldn't it suck to be stuck with caramel just because someone else says it is better and the time is right and then suddenly discover chocolate ten years down the road and find out, this is the one for you?


Hence my question. Marriage: My life or Yours?

Degrassi again…

When Saniya told me (Meghna) about the Degrassi episode discussed in a previous post, I immediately remembered a Degrassi episode I saw a few months ago. I was at the gym, running on the treadmill when I noticed a Desi girl on the screen in front of me. I became interested. She was bragging to a friend about how her boyfriend was so nice when he was alone with her, while he was an…eh…angry outcast type in school? I dunno, she seemed popular and he didn’t fit it. He was quite content to not fit in though. But Alli (the girl) was determined to turn him into her perfect prince. She went to him during lunch breaks, sat on his lap and fed him yogurt or something. Needless to say, Johnny (the boy) was pissed off. He complained and said something like, “I’m not complaining because we’re not having sex, but you gotta let me be”. Alli felt bad after this. I missed the middle bit because I had to lift some weights :p but when I came back I saw that she had sent him a photo of herself, without clothes on… A nude picture, that (I nearly screamed when this happened) got out!! The principal called her in and said, “Protect your body Alli, you’re the only one who can”. (very true!!)

I was horrified! What was she thinking!! A naked picture of herself on her boyfriend’s cell phone?? Why did she do that? It occurred to me that Johnny’s remark probably would’ve have made Alli insecure. Would he stay with her if she continued to deny him sex? She most likely felt like she had to give him something, anything to keep him…and that’s when despair whispered that crazy idea into her ear.

Meghna on Desi Family and Society

As this has become already clear in a previous post, family and society are important elements in a Desi’s life. I’d like to emphasize that what am I about to describe is Desi family and society in general. There are exceptions! In some cases, things are much better or worse…

Family is there – well – because it’s there :p But family looks after family. Parents after their children, older siblings after younger siblings etc. They give you shelter, love and protection.  In case of a Desi family, the latter is very important. There’s also society.

Desi society is a peculiar thing. It consists of people you call aunty and uncle (though they’re not truly related to you) and their kids. Sometimes, and hopefully very often, aunty and uncle are like family. You like them; they like you. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. People can be mean, all people, not just Desis, of course. When someone else is more successful, they become jealous and try to demean your success. When you’re different (my sister deals with this a lot, but I’ll explain that another time), they make fun of you. When you want to live life differently, you’re weird. Some people are so terrified of change, I suggest they never watch Discovery Channel or follow all the progress the world makes. This is also the case with Desi society. Beneath the smiles, the kindness and the fun, a layer of envy, control and fear exists. Of course, this differs per Desi, but in general, this is Desi society. An American friend of mine grew up in some small town filled with rich people and pointed out to me that it’s the same over there. Everyone wants to succeed more than the other, everyone wants to be happier, smarter, prettier…

Degrassi "With or Without You"

Anya and Sav

Yesterday I (Saniya) had the tv on as background noise when suddenly I realized that there was a desi boy and a white girl on screen, obviously in a relationship. Later on, I found out that this show is called Degrassi, a Canadian show about high school teenagers dealing with issues they face in high school. In this particular episode, "With or Without You," the couple was in a tent and the topic of sex came up. The desi boy, Sav, said that they didn't have to if the girl, Anya, did not want to. Very understanding of Sav. Then Anya said she did want to. Unfortunately, they did not have a chance to get too far because of some commotion outside of their tent. Turns out somebody had put a snake in the tent of an outcast, Johnny.

Alli and Johnny

And Alli, Sav's little sister, happened to be in that tent with Johnny. Though they were not doing anything, Sav completely freaked out and yelled at Alli about being alone in a tent with a boy and how no family would ever want her for their son, etc. etc. In the meantime, Anya heard Sav's words. After Sav sent Alli to her tent, he went to Anya and Anya also pointed out to him that she is a girl alone in a tent with a boy. She also mentioned his double standards and how she is obviously not good enough for him. After the trip, Anya met him in school and gave him a box with everything he had ever given her.




This episode really struck a chord with me. One of the topics Meghna and I have been talking about is this double standard when it comes to desi boys and desi girls. Why is it that desi boys can do anything and everything and that desi girls are restricted from doing anything at all? A desi boy is encouraged to go out and play. A desi girl needs to sit at home and learn to cook, do the household chores and even take care of their brother(s) by cleaning up after them and serving them, etc. Boys are not expected to help around the house. If a desi boy goes out with a girl, the parents are often more forgiving to their son. It is either a phase he is going through (if the girl is not desi) but if the girl is desi then it depends on if the parents like her or not. If the parents don't, it is back to the phase thing, if they do, then marriage is in the air.
Desi girls, however, are not allowed to get involved with boys, be seen alone with boys, chat too long with boys, etc. etc. Just as Sav said, who will want such a girl for their son? A desi girl has to remain pure, virginal, homely, learn to bow her head and listen for someday she will be living in her mother-in-law's house. Her identity is decided for her. Daughter, sister, wife, daughter-in-law. Does she ever become her own woman? Hardly ever allowed nor tolerated.

Sav and Alli

I was quite glad to see this happen on television. I am getting quite tired and annoyed of this hyprocritical attitude regarding desi boys and desi girls. It is so weird for me, a desi girl, to read and be confronted with these double standards through television and blogs, but it is so important to talk about it. Regarding this episode, I really do wonder. Does Sav even realize how he is behaving? And what makes it okay for Sav to have sex with his white girlfriend, while his little sister cannot even be alone with a white boy without even having sex with him? Where did he get these ideas from? His parents? His family? His friends? His surroundings? He yells at his sister for not doing something while he was close to doing that himself?


I do not know if I will be watching any more Degrassi episodes but I thought it would be interesting to mention this. Perhaps there are desi brothers out there who are aware of this double standard? And if they are, what choices can they make? They are actually really looking out for their little sister, for desi society can be so evil when it comes to these stupid things. How can a desi boy tolerate feminism and equality for women in his sister when society will take one look at this independent woman and crush her completely?


Is it then society who feeds the desi sons this double standard and keeps this vicious cycle going? Parents, auntyjis and unclejis whose gossip and vicious tongues and lies and hypocrisy make it so that the new generation stay stuck in archaic patterns without revolution, reinvention, freedom and independence?


I do not know. But I do wish there was a way for society to be more kind and accepting towards women and to be less hypocritical when it comes to the freedom that boys have vs. the limitations that girls have. I guess, you may say I'm a dreamer. :)

Meghna on a Desi Teenage Love Affair

After searching for what seemed ages, I discovered that I could not notice Desi Love without a form of commitment – meaning that the happy couple was either engaged or married. Before that period, one does not see the love. This is strange, isn’t it? But then I realized something and it all made sense. I’ll explain this, but first let me tell you a story. Once upon a time a little girl fell in love with a Desi boy. The consequences that follow are rather disastrous because there actually is a real good reason why I couldn’t find Just Desi Love: it’s a secret…

Imagine two Desi teenagers who fell in love the way only teenagers can, careless, deeply, passionately and reckless. Now that is the teenage part. The Desi part commanded them to be indirect, secretly and proper. Now when it comes to love, any kind of love, that is incredibly hard. Needless to say, these two kids made a small mess. I’m not being sarcastic here, the mess really was small. Know why? Because the ultimate Protector and Supervisor kept an eye on them: Family. While these two kids were dealing with their awkwardness, shyness and hormones that all of a sudden had taken control over them (being a teenager and in love is quite complicated), they were watched by Family, the Protector. Now, if there is a Protector there is also something that one needs to be protected from. The Bad Guy or the Enemy, or in this case the Bad Guy looking like a Good Guy. Let’s call him Wormtail after the guy in Harry Potter whom everyone thought was good, but really wasn’t. Wormtail is Society, Desi Society.

Happy New Year!!

Saniya
and

Meghna
wish
you
all
a
very
happy
and
healthy
2012!!!