Meghna on Desi Family and Society

As this has become already clear in a previous post, family and society are important elements in a Desi’s life. I’d like to emphasize that what am I about to describe is Desi family and society in general. There are exceptions! In some cases, things are much better or worse…

Family is there – well – because it’s there :p But family looks after family. Parents after their children, older siblings after younger siblings etc. They give you shelter, love and protection.  In case of a Desi family, the latter is very important. There’s also society.

Desi society is a peculiar thing. It consists of people you call aunty and uncle (though they’re not truly related to you) and their kids. Sometimes, and hopefully very often, aunty and uncle are like family. You like them; they like you. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. People can be mean, all people, not just Desis, of course. When someone else is more successful, they become jealous and try to demean your success. When you’re different (my sister deals with this a lot, but I’ll explain that another time), they make fun of you. When you want to live life differently, you’re weird. Some people are so terrified of change, I suggest they never watch Discovery Channel or follow all the progress the world makes. This is also the case with Desi society. Beneath the smiles, the kindness and the fun, a layer of envy, control and fear exists. Of course, this differs per Desi, but in general, this is Desi society. An American friend of mine grew up in some small town filled with rich people and pointed out to me that it’s the same over there. Everyone wants to succeed more than the other, everyone wants to be happier, smarter, prettier…

The result of this is that people tend to point fingers. It’s important to remember that Desi society is quite conservative when it comes to love and dating. So, a girl dating a boy cannot be known in society because people who are jealous etc. will spread a nasty rumor like, they’re sleeping together (premarital sex is not accepted in Desi society). The one who suffers from this the most is the girl. As Saniya’s post on the Degrassi explains; Desi society has different standards for boys than for girls. This is why family decides to protects its members. Usually this means that parents protect their children, but other scenarios exist too. Family wants its members to be safe, which makes sense. And that is exactly why it is hard for kids and maybe even adults to defy their elders. The protectors have a point. At the same time, their solution is not always the best one.

Apart from wanting to protect its members, family also does not want to lose face. Desi society relies heavily on status and reputation. When a family loses face they are often treated like outcasts. The degree to which they are treated as outcasts differs from ignoring the family, to a snide comment. Each member of the family carries the burden of saving face. To maintain face, one must live according to the conventional ways. Anything else is not right. I’d like to mention here that I’ve seen several people placing more importance on the girls behaving well and turning a blind eye to boys’ bad behavior. When a member of the family risks losing  the family’s face, the other members take action. Whether family acts to protect its members or its face, differs per family. Everyone has different priorities.

So, why do we remain part of Desi society then? Well, most of us are born in it. We grow up in it. For Desis abroad, it’s a little India, it’s family. They feel like they belong together because they share a cultural and often also religious background. They speak Hindi, they eat Tandoori chicken and they dance on Bollywood tunes. It connects them. Some stick together because they’re afraid to bond with others, some enjoy the best of two worlds.  And that’s pretty great! So, it’s not always bad in Desi society as long as you live according to society’s rules. Then you’re safe and you can enjoy. That’s actually pretty great! But when you break the rules…you’re at risk…