Aashiqui 2: I'm there for you...

by Meghna

Recently, I saw the Bollywood movie Aashiqui 2. After watching it, I first cried my eyes out (it was soo sad!!) and then I started thinking. At 2 am, I began to ponder the notion of standing by someone, being there for someone… How long do you stand by a loved one who’s not doing well, who is being self-destructive and takes you down with him or her? Where do you draw the line? In order to explain what was going on in my head I first need to tell you very briefly what the film was about. Mind you, this is gonna be a major spoiler alert!

The story revolves around two singers, Rahul and Aarohi. Rahul is a superstar who cannot cope with his success and developed a drinking problem. Aarohi is a poor girl struggling to become a singer. When fate brings them together, Rahul helps Aarohi to become a superstar too. On this journey they fall deeply in love with each other. Unfortunately, Rahul cannot get his drinking problem under control and as Aarohi becomes more and more successful, he falls deeper and deeper into a pit of darkness and clings tighter and tighter to alcohol. Aarohi stands by him and uses affection, love and care to try to straighten him out. Rahul tries and tries, but just cannot stop anymore. As the ending draws near, it is clear that Aarohi is getting worse and worse while trying to take care of Rahul. She suffers too from Rahul’s addiction to alcohol. Still, she stands by him. In the end, she is willing to leave all her success behind and give up her dreams to be with Rahul. The movie ends with Rahul’s suicide.

How many of us have met people like Rahul? I’m not just talking about romantic relationships here. I’m talking about all kinds of relationships. A friend, a relative or a significant other who was or is on a self-destructive path and sinks deeper and deeper into misery. Well, I met a couple of those people. I watched as other people I knew offered a helping hand and eventually I began to offer my own helping hands too. I’ve also watched the Rahuls turn away from those helping hands and move into a space beyond helping hands. Luckily, some people got their lives on track all on their own. Others are still struggling. I’ve seen the helping hands wither as they poured all their energy into the other person, like Aarohi. Yet, they never give up like Aarohi. Love really is very powerful.

Meghna’s Learned a Lesson or Two

It has been a while since I’ve done any writing for this blog. The reason for this is that I’ve been very busy, both socially and professionally. I’ve met a lot of great people and experienced many interesting things. It was really wonderful, but to be honest I’ve truly missed My Desi Love Life too. On the bright side, I learned some much it’s affected who I am and how I think, which means that certain former beliefs and ideas of mine have been replaced. This includes some on love and Desi life and obviously, it changed my Desi love life ;-)

The first thing I’d like the share with you concerns cross-cultural dating and marriage. Through my professional life I’ve come across a lot of people from different countries with different cultural background and religions.

I used to think quite simply about this stuff. People love each other, just let them be. Live and let live. Though I still believe that people should just keep their noses out of other people’s business, I’ve seen and realized it’s not that easy to be in a relationship with someone from a different culture. Mind you, I’m not saying it’s stupid or impossible. Definitely not! It just requires some work like any other relationship, but it might not be the kind of work that we’re familiar with.

“I’m dude! I’m a hunky dude! I’m a badass hunky dude…eh dudette!” By Meghna

The complications of trying to be a man...

Recently, I saw the movie She’s the Man for the millionth time again. I really love that movie! It’s based on one of favorite Shakespeare plays, Twelfth Night. I wrote a really cool paper on that one J But back to the movie. Since I was watching the movie for the millionth time (and no, I’m seriously not exaggerating) I decided to figure out what exactly it is about this film that keeps me so interested.

“Love: a matter of the heart or the brain?” by Meghna

As a Desi girl, love has always been an emotional thing. As a girl growing up in the West a fair amount of reason was added to this. For example, when I was about 15 years old my peers thought it was time for that first kiss. People who had kissed their childhood sweetheart earlier in life, shame on you! People who waited to find someone they actually wanted to kiss and ended up kissing in college, bad, bad, bad! After that kiss, there’s the “lose-your-virginity-thing”. This should also happen in high school, so that when you are in college you can go wild :p Lots and lots of dating happens in the first half of your twenties. When the thirties approach, one will finally fall in love (this can’t happen earlier in life) and settle down and have a family. This last part’s actually also really important in Desi society. We sort of skip everything before and go straight for marriage. What can I say? Indians are driven!

When I was in high school I began to clash with reason (in the form of my peers) whispering in my ear, “Meghna do this, Meghna do that… Meghna, what do you mean you already broke the rules!!” I didn’t participate in love the way most of my classmates did. They didn’t understand why (maybe that had something to do with cultural differences?) and used to mock my romantic ideas. Though deep inside they could admit that my dreams were “indeed very nice…sigh…”.

It hit me a while ago that we have different approaches to love. Some of us favor the emotional approach. Some of us would claim that this category consist purely of women. I’d like to disagree. Others approach love from a rational point of view. Some of us would claim that this category consists purely of men. I’d like to disagree. I don’t think you can put people in boxes just like that. I believe that between two extremes there is a grey area. But some of us would disagree with me. Some of us put themselves and others in a box because they like it. Makes them feel good, comfortable etc.

Like I said, being a Desi I approached love from an emotional angle. It was the way I’d always seen in fairy tales and movies and I really believed that the longing, the drama and the pain were an indication of real love. I read somewhere that people prefer overwhelming emotions to simple, nice emotions. Thus, pain is elected over happiness. This is what most Bollywood movies showed me while growing up. To me that was love. However, at some point I was tired. Just tired. Of all the drama, all the issues, all the games. I’d stopped feeling the pain or maybe just got used to it, I dunno. But I remember feeling tired and thinking, “Is this it? Is this love? Why the heck do we look for this thing? It’s totally overrated!”.

After some more turbulence in my love life I met a very down-to-earth guy. I felt at ease with him and appreciated his honesty, openness and practicality. Though in retrospect I must admit that our first date closely resembled a job interview. And after a while I started missing something. There was a spark, but no fire. He invoked reason to take steps in our relationship. On the third date a kiss was allowed. After 5 dates, I’d meet his friends. After the sixth date, his parents…bla bla bla… Since Meghna ignored the rules in high school, you can bet Meghna ignored them in college too. To me the relationship turned into friendship. There was no romance, no passion, no love, except the type you feel for a friend.

Both ways are not my way. At the same time, they’re both my way. I need reason mixed with emotions. I don’t want to feel like my love life is a neatly ordered timeline I’m following, but I don’t want to drown in drama that started goodness-knows-why-and-goodness-knows-how.  Balance, I believe is the keyword here. Balance between reason and emotions. So how does one do that? Approach love with reason and emotions… I thought maybe you start with one and then pull the other in. So I tried that.

I met a guy who looked good on paper. He had the same cultural background, same socio-economic background, he was nice and friendly, smart and attractive. It seemed perfect. My friend thought so too. My brain said, “Meghna this is the one for you”.  My heart said, “Hell no! Thank you.” It didn’t work out.

I met another guy who touched my heart. I can’t really explain why or how. Maybe it was just hormones or maybe I’m just a sucker for a good sense of humor. We didn’t share the same cultural background or socio-economic background. He was complex and not a pretty boy. Nevertheless, the attraction was very strong. My heart said, “Go for it! Love conquers all!”. My brain was silent. Though I’m inclined to think that it was gloating as it anticipated the outcome. Word of advice: if you’re the only one in a relationship who thinks love conquers all, you’re headed straight for Mount Doom, without Sam for comfort :s Unless, like me you have friends even better than Sam ;-)

I think that I need both reason and emotions together at the same time when love comes knocking on my door. They need to work together to guide me. Though they’re opposites, when they can resolve their differences they can complete each other beautifully and give me that sense of direction that I’ve never really known. I’m not sure how that works, but I guess practicing to listen to my heart and my brain at the same time should help, right?

"City in the Rain" by Nidhi Chanani

Happy Valentine's Day!

On this day people usually celebrate their relationships or crushes. I always did. But this year, I’d like to do something else. This year, I’d like to celebrate the love that I feel for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to spend the day as a narcissist. Rather, I’d like to remind myself today of the fact that I care about myself.

 Over the years, I’ve often given everything in relationships and kept nothing for myself. I’ve compromised over things I don’t want to compromise over. I’ve changed myself here and there because that was expected of me. But the truth is, I like myself just the way I am. I love that girl. So, why did I change again?

I have to be honest and thank all those people for their lessons. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have learned everything I have learned. Like,

Be yourself no matter what.

Be proud of that person, love her/him.

If you are unhappy with yourself, change those aspects of yourself that bother you. But do it for you!

In every relationship it’s a two way ride, always.

Don’t do things you’re not comfortable with.

If someone can’t accept you, he/she is not for you.

Last but not least, a single life is not devoid of love.

One of my girlfriends tells me that my standards are too high, or I need to compromise, or I need to stop being picky because I’m never going to find someone this way. But I don’t want to find someone. I don’t think it works like that. Love is not finding someone and settling down with a mortgage and kids, is it? That’s what you could do if you wanted when you’re in love, right? But finding someone doesn’t guarantee love, does it? After all, who the heck is someone?? That could be anyone! Anyone could be everyone! She didn’t understand this. So I said, “I can’t force myself to fall in love with some guy. I’m not a robot, I can’t flip the switch. If love happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.”



"Autumn breeze" by Nidhi Chanani

This year I’m single. But I’m not one of those singles who mops all day because they’re single today. No, Valentine’s Day is a day of love. So let’s celebrate love!  This year I celebrate the love I feel for myself. I celebrate the person I’ve become. I celebrate the fact that I have more loving friends and grew closer to those I already had. I celebrate my life, which is full of love! Not all kinds of love, but I have love in my life. Let’s enjoy that J

Now, I’m off to buy myself some heart-shaped chocolates…

Saniya's musings: "Marriage: My life or Yours? "

"Sindhoor" by Nidhi Chanani

Marriage. An institution which desi culture is basically based on. From the second you are born, even before you are born, your marriage will be talked about, fantasized about, planned out and, if you are lucky, your partner will be chosen for you (could also happen before you exist).


This is especially true for desis, sometimes I wonder if it is even more so for desi girls than boys. After all, the girl is sometimes seen as a burden in the family, she cannot carry on the family name nor go out and make money and can easily bring shame onto the family if she even as much as puts on nanometer of the nail of her pinky toe out of line.


Parents, family and friends, auntijis and unclejis who are NOT your family, the elders and even the children, are all obsessed with your marriage. Especially when you are of marriageable age and you better not get too old and past a certain age limit because after that, no man will want to marry you. All the good ones are taken between the ages of 18-24 (girls). For boys, no age limit. But mind you, the "good" boys will also be nabbed if you don't act quickly.


And so starts the hunt. In desi culture, there is always a wedding to attend so basically, you are always on the market. And so is your wedding resume, don't forget that. Auntijis will introduce you to their friends with, coincidentally, a handsome son (doctor, lawyer, investment banker) and tell them about you, your skills, your looks, your character (like they REALLY know you) but apparently they do know you, sometimes better than you know yourself. You can find out a lot about yourself listening to these people talk and negotiate, sometimes they are things you didn't even know you had or could do.


But what about my interests? My likes and dislikes? My issues? My pet peeves? In other words, what about ME? What say you there? A good girl doesn't have all those things. They are supposed to be sweet, soft spoken, patient, kind... and probably willing to be stepped all over.


So people start planning meetings for you, planning to find a boy for you, asking around, saying you are of marriageable age. There is such an extreme hurry to get the daughter married, quickly before no boy wants her, quickly (perhaps) before she gets a mind of her own and *gasp!*, becomes an independent woman who is set in her ways.


Marriage is a great way to bring honor to your family. The right business deal, the right amount of money, the right family, and poof, honor is bestowed upon your family and may the happy married couple be blessed and live in wedded bliss (lets not forget the whole when-are-you-going-to-get-a-baby thing comes next). But I come back to an earlier question. What about ME?


Isn't marriage a huge step? Is that really something you want to do because the time is right? Is it better to get married right now to anyone who seems like a good match, according to everyone else? You are the one who has to live with him and his family for the rest of your life. So shouldn't you be allowed to choose who you want to marry? And what if you do not meet him until you are way past the "marriageable" age?


Which choice is better? Getting married right now to someone who is chosen for you or waiting for someone who is compatible with you, someone you click with? Waiting until you know yourself a little better, until you have a better idea of your character, your interests, your passions, your sense of humor and then finding someone who shares that with you?


And if I may ask a really weird but perhaps spiritual question: If you "choose" to marry someone picked by other people for you when you are of marriageable age, will you be then living a life in which you are following your own path of life, set out for you and chosen by you, or will you be living a life which was actually meant for the person who picked your husband for you?


But if you choose to wait and find someone on your road of life who is compatible with you, does that mean you are living your own life to the fullest and not the life of someone else?


Example: Say you love chocolate. But chocolate is not available right now. So instead, caramel is chosen for you by some auntiji, who probably loves and approves of caramel. Wouldn't it suck to be stuck with caramel just because someone else says it is better and the time is right and then suddenly discover chocolate ten years down the road and find out, this is the one for you?


Hence my question. Marriage: My life or Yours?

Degrassi again…

When Saniya told me (Meghna) about the Degrassi episode discussed in a previous post, I immediately remembered a Degrassi episode I saw a few months ago. I was at the gym, running on the treadmill when I noticed a Desi girl on the screen in front of me. I became interested. She was bragging to a friend about how her boyfriend was so nice when he was alone with her, while he was an…eh…angry outcast type in school? I dunno, she seemed popular and he didn’t fit it. He was quite content to not fit in though. But Alli (the girl) was determined to turn him into her perfect prince. She went to him during lunch breaks, sat on his lap and fed him yogurt or something. Needless to say, Johnny (the boy) was pissed off. He complained and said something like, “I’m not complaining because we’re not having sex, but you gotta let me be”. Alli felt bad after this. I missed the middle bit because I had to lift some weights :p but when I came back I saw that she had sent him a photo of herself, without clothes on… A nude picture, that (I nearly screamed when this happened) got out!! The principal called her in and said, “Protect your body Alli, you’re the only one who can”. (very true!!)

I was horrified! What was she thinking!! A naked picture of herself on her boyfriend’s cell phone?? Why did she do that? It occurred to me that Johnny’s remark probably would’ve have made Alli insecure. Would he stay with her if she continued to deny him sex? She most likely felt like she had to give him something, anything to keep him…and that’s when despair whispered that crazy idea into her ear.