Meghna’s Learned a Lesson or Two

It has been a while since I’ve done any writing for this blog. The reason for this is that I’ve been very busy, both socially and professionally. I’ve met a lot of great people and experienced many interesting things. It was really wonderful, but to be honest I’ve truly missed My Desi Love Life too. On the bright side, I learned some much it’s affected who I am and how I think, which means that certain former beliefs and ideas of mine have been replaced. This includes some on love and Desi life and obviously, it changed my Desi love life ;-)

The first thing I’d like the share with you concerns cross-cultural dating and marriage. Through my professional life I’ve come across a lot of people from different countries with different cultural background and religions.

I used to think quite simply about this stuff. People love each other, just let them be. Live and let live. Though I still believe that people should just keep their noses out of other people’s business, I’ve seen and realized it’s not that easy to be in a relationship with someone from a different culture. Mind you, I’m not saying it’s stupid or impossible. Definitely not! It just requires some work like any other relationship, but it might not be the kind of work that we’re familiar with.

I should explain this better because even I’m getting confused now… I’ll pretend I’m in college arguing a point in my paper by invoking an example inspired by real events... Here we go!

Lady X falls madly in love with Gentleman Y. Lady X comes from Northern Europe, let’s say she’s British.  Gentleman Y has left his hometown in Brazil and crossed the Atlantic Ocean to pursue his dream career. They meet in a neutral country: Switzerland. They both work there, have established their social lives there and are quite happy. When they meet sparks fly and within a month or two, they’re a couple. Everything looks really great! They start talking about marriage. Lady X is a die-hard atheist and wants nothing to do with the church, but Gentleman Y is a devout Catholic and insists on marrying in church…Houston, we have a problem. Lady X’s principles won’t bend and Gentleman Y’s dedication won’t relent. Lady X’s friends tell Lady X that Gentleman Y is a dominant male who intends to convert her. Gentleman Y’s family says that Lady X is not the type of woman Gentleman Y should be marrying because she cannot understand him. The couple begins to argue in an attempt to solve the problem, but they feel their families and friends are right and all of a sudden BAM! The whole thing falls to pieces…

I’ve seen a few couples struggle with this issue, some made it and others didn’t. The only thing I could conclude is that cross-cultural dating is not for everyone. In my opinion, it requires two people who are very, very deeply committed to each other and willing to adapt for the other person. I’ve seen families and friends meddling and a young man or woman wavering in their commitment to their love due to family pressure. I think a person would have to be very strong and able to stand up for his or her relationship to his or her family and his or her friends. This is what I will call the external challenge. I’ve decided to face every problem in life as a challenge; so this will be a challenge and not a problem ;-)

If I apply this to your average Desi family, it kinda turns into that movie Guess Who with Bernie Mac and Ashton Kutcher. A Desi girl meets a Western guy. They fall in love and she informs her family. Her family’s first fear (or maybe it’s the second depending on their priorities) is this will disgrace us in the Desi community. Their second fear is our girl is going to lose her roots and culture. The girl keeps pushing though and brings her Prince Charming home. The poor boy is a bit frightened though because he expects a tough Desi man (kinda like Bernie Mac) to judge if he’s good enough for his daughter. He’s nervous and Desi Daddy starts to wonder how this guy is possibly capable of protecting and taking care of his little girl. He is used to the traditional gender roles and that means that the man protects and provides. But this boy who is sweating his pants off, bites his nails every five minutes and keep saying “ehm…” before answering any question directed at him (this happens naturally out of fear for displeasing the girl’s family), just doesn’t seem fit for daddy’s little princess.  We can see how this will negatively affect their relationship right?

I can provide another example from personal experience. Desi girl meets Western boy’s parents and gets all these weird questions directed at her. “How protective is your father?” “How many brothers do you have?” “How modern are you?” “Do you want my son to convert to your religion?” One very worried mother was trying to look out for her son. She’s read crazy but true stories in the newspaper about honor killings, abductions etc. And now she’s worried that her Little Prince is going to be hurt…

These examples are a bit extreme, but they occur and my point is that stereotypes create a divide between cultures, making cross-cultural dating quite a challenge. I’m not sure everyone is up for that challenge, or maybe it has to do with the strength of the bond between two people. I understand the fear of the family that their son or daughter is going to be changed or even alienated from their own culture. I understand the fear of loss of culture.

What does this mean for the couple though? What does this mean for Lady X and Gentleman Y? I think that we all grow up in a certain way; a way we consider normal. When we meet someone from another culture with whom we want to share a life, we suddenly become aware that some of our “normal” traditions and habits are quite abnormal to others. Our comfort zone is very different than that of other people. The question is how much of that comfort zone can we give up to be with someone? How much of what we consider normal can be replaced by what the other believes to be normal? I believe that an equal balance is key in this and finding that balance requires work, mutual respect and understanding for each other’s traditions and habits. It needs to come from both people; it’s not a one-way ride. I like to refer to this as the internal challenge.

I don’t really have a manual as to how to do this. I’m figuring this out as I go. Every day I learn a bit more and hopefully if I ever find myself in the position of falling in love with someone from a different culture I’ll be able to try and make things work rather than have them blow up in my face J