Saniya's musings: "Marriage: My life or Yours? "

"Sindhoor" by Nidhi Chanani

Marriage. An institution which desi culture is basically based on. From the second you are born, even before you are born, your marriage will be talked about, fantasized about, planned out and, if you are lucky, your partner will be chosen for you (could also happen before you exist).


This is especially true for desis, sometimes I wonder if it is even more so for desi girls than boys. After all, the girl is sometimes seen as a burden in the family, she cannot carry on the family name nor go out and make money and can easily bring shame onto the family if she even as much as puts on nanometer of the nail of her pinky toe out of line.


Parents, family and friends, auntijis and unclejis who are NOT your family, the elders and even the children, are all obsessed with your marriage. Especially when you are of marriageable age and you better not get too old and past a certain age limit because after that, no man will want to marry you. All the good ones are taken between the ages of 18-24 (girls). For boys, no age limit. But mind you, the "good" boys will also be nabbed if you don't act quickly.


And so starts the hunt. In desi culture, there is always a wedding to attend so basically, you are always on the market. And so is your wedding resume, don't forget that. Auntijis will introduce you to their friends with, coincidentally, a handsome son (doctor, lawyer, investment banker) and tell them about you, your skills, your looks, your character (like they REALLY know you) but apparently they do know you, sometimes better than you know yourself. You can find out a lot about yourself listening to these people talk and negotiate, sometimes they are things you didn't even know you had or could do.


But what about my interests? My likes and dislikes? My issues? My pet peeves? In other words, what about ME? What say you there? A good girl doesn't have all those things. They are supposed to be sweet, soft spoken, patient, kind... and probably willing to be stepped all over.


So people start planning meetings for you, planning to find a boy for you, asking around, saying you are of marriageable age. There is such an extreme hurry to get the daughter married, quickly before no boy wants her, quickly (perhaps) before she gets a mind of her own and *gasp!*, becomes an independent woman who is set in her ways.


Marriage is a great way to bring honor to your family. The right business deal, the right amount of money, the right family, and poof, honor is bestowed upon your family and may the happy married couple be blessed and live in wedded bliss (lets not forget the whole when-are-you-going-to-get-a-baby thing comes next). But I come back to an earlier question. What about ME?


Isn't marriage a huge step? Is that really something you want to do because the time is right? Is it better to get married right now to anyone who seems like a good match, according to everyone else? You are the one who has to live with him and his family for the rest of your life. So shouldn't you be allowed to choose who you want to marry? And what if you do not meet him until you are way past the "marriageable" age?


Which choice is better? Getting married right now to someone who is chosen for you or waiting for someone who is compatible with you, someone you click with? Waiting until you know yourself a little better, until you have a better idea of your character, your interests, your passions, your sense of humor and then finding someone who shares that with you?


And if I may ask a really weird but perhaps spiritual question: If you "choose" to marry someone picked by other people for you when you are of marriageable age, will you be then living a life in which you are following your own path of life, set out for you and chosen by you, or will you be living a life which was actually meant for the person who picked your husband for you?


But if you choose to wait and find someone on your road of life who is compatible with you, does that mean you are living your own life to the fullest and not the life of someone else?


Example: Say you love chocolate. But chocolate is not available right now. So instead, caramel is chosen for you by some auntiji, who probably loves and approves of caramel. Wouldn't it suck to be stuck with caramel just because someone else says it is better and the time is right and then suddenly discover chocolate ten years down the road and find out, this is the one for you?


Hence my question. Marriage: My life or Yours?