Merry Christmas!!

"Lights" by Nidhi Chanani

Meghna's Wish to Santa

 This year for Christmas, Meghna would like to request Santa to bring the possibility of a small wedding within her Indian community. "Please Santa, I don't want to shake hands with strangers all night long..."

"Best Present (is you)" by Nidhi Chanani

 

Saniya's Wish to Santa

This year for Christmas, Saniya would like to request Santa to bring the possibility of meetings with desis who have a broader view of love than just Duty, Service and Sacrifice. "Please Santa, I don't want to sacrifice my morning's beauty sleep to dutifully serve chai to my future husband..."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

"Pa-ra-pa-pum-pum" by Nidhi Chanani

Meghna’s take on Desi Love

What is Desi Love? Well, it’s not like Desi films show. Bollywood movies have a very lovely idea of love, which unfortunately is not very real. The best way to explain would probably to make a comparison with fairy tales. There are a hero or prince, a heroine or princess, a villain or evil person and some other characters. Love conquers all. Evil is defeated. Somehow, I’ve never encountered evil in my life, have you? And a hero or prince? Nah, him neither.

So, let’s get real. What is Desi Love is real life? When I look around me I see it’s taking care of each other, although that is a quite broad notion and leads to the question, “What is taking care of each other?” Ha! I believe many Desi people consider that what I would call “fulfilling your duty”.  Just like Saniya mentioned, most Desi people express their love via Duty, Service and Sacrifice.  In other words, the man provides the woman (and perhaps the kids too) with a house, clothes and food. The woman takes care of the house, washes the clothes and cooks the food. From what I’ve seen both of them are involved in raising the children (though that differs per family!) and nowadays, I see many Desi women working too (also differs per family!). However, the traditional roles are respected.

"What is Desi Love? Desi Love is Duty, Service and Sacrifice" by Saniya

As I have mentioned in a previous post, I want to talk about how Desis view Love. All over the world, everyone has their own opinion and idea of what love is and what people can do around them for them to feel love. For one it is being able to communicate, for another it is physical involvement, for yet another it might be how much effort their loved one puts into looking presentable for society...


The more Desis I speak to and interact with about this topic, the more I realize that most Desis have a similar point of view of Love. Love, according to Desis, is Duty, Service and Sacrifice.

Arranged Marriage vs. Love Marriage

As I (Meghna) was wrecking my brain trying to define Desi Love, I eavesdropped on the most wonderful conversation in the train today. I just have to share this with you.

A man, somewhere in his thirties came to sit opposite me and a guy of about 22 came to sit next to me. They were obviously in the middle of a conversation because the 30-something guy said and I quote, “We had all these weddings in our circle of friends and then she stopped nagging as well, so…” My eyes immediately looked for his hands and I noticed a shiny golden wedding ring around his right-hand ring finger. Ah, a newly wed!

He went on by talking about this friend of his, who wasn’t married yet but seriously considered “because all his friends were already married and he and his girlfriend didn’t want to be left behind.” In sum, the reasons for marrying according to this worldly wise man are:

1. Because you keep going to weddings of your friends.

2. You need your girlfriend to stop whining about it.

3. You do not want to be left behind (God forbid!).

Now call me a crazy romantic but I always thought that the first and foremost reason to get married was simply, in one word…hold your breath…love?

What is Desi Love?

Lately I found myself reading many blogs on interracial couples and romance and it got me thinking about what love is for Desis. I do admire these couples for giving love a try. I think it is hard enough for two individuals from the SAME culture to try and make a relationship work, never mind two people from who different cultures, especially two people from opposite cultures :) Respect!



"Stay" by Nidhi Chanani



So what is love for Desis? How do they express their love? What do they need in order to feel love? What do they think they need to do in order to show their partner that they love them? How much of their beliefs and feelings is culturally bound and how much belongs to them as an individual? Everyone sees love in a different way and has their own interpretation of what love is, right? So how does a Desi see love? And how does a desi make a relationship work, be it with another desi or not?

I have had many countless conversations with many Desis, including Meghna, about love (which is one of the reasons we started this blog). So I decided to start the topic “What is Desi Love?” Maybe once we all start talking about it openly, we can all figure it out together?

Priya Koothrapali in "The Big Bang Theory"

I know that they are on their fifth season but I must say that I did not really get into The Big Bang Theory until this past year. I immediately fell in awe of Sheldon Cooper, or should I say, Jim Parsons. His acting is amazing and his character is also.. just.. amazingly unbelievable!

As I kept watching, the other characters grew on me. At first, being of Indian descent, I was not sure how to react to Raj Koothrappali. Here is an Indian guy, intelligent, supposedly independent and working hard.. who cannot speak to girls unless he is drunk though he desperately wants a girlfriend, chooses love over money and sometimes has qualities which people mostly associate with females. His parents are rich and extremely conservative so they want him to marry an Indian girl. Which is a stereotype but also, often a very recognizable stereotype.. But I must say that over time, I have grown accustomed to him being on the show as part of the group.. :)

By the time season 4 comes around, Raj's sister, Priya, is introduced. At first, I didn't notice her that much, I was too focused on finding out what the next thing Sheldon would do, in all his naive sincerity and complete lack of social awareness, to drive his friends and in particular, his roommate Leonard, up the wall.

But when Meghna and I started discussing My Desi Love Life, we spoke in particular about desi girls dating guys outside their community/culture/race. And then possibly having a relationship and marrying this so called boyfriend. And then, it suddenly dawned on me. We have one on Prime Time Television! Priya Koothrappali, on TBBT, is a desi girl, who becomes (kind of) involved with Leonard Hofstadter!

So how confronting is it, to see Priya's behavior towards Leonard? Is that really how desi girls behave towards having a boyfriend that is not a desi guy? Keeping him a secret, treating him like a friend in front of everyone but being lovers when alone. Then trying to change him, mother him, take care of him, boss him around, help him when he needs help, etc. Would she behave the same way if he was a desi guy?

And what about the many faces she has, one for her brother, one for Leonard, one for her family, one for society.. Doesn't it make you wonder, how many different roles a desi girl has to play in order to keep everyone happy while also trying to figure out what makes her happy? So many different identities, so many lies. All the hiding, the secrecy, then being open about her relationship with some people but it cannot get out to the Indians, because Indians talk and may the parents never find out about this because she is supposed to be a pure, innocent and sweet Indian daughter?

So I thought it would be interesting to dedicate a couple of posts to this representation of a desi girl dating a white guy on television and all the little things they deal with, which is recognizable to many desi guys and girls. I am glad that it is a sitcom, for though some of the situations are extremely serious (because the consequences would be quite drastic for Priya's life), still, it is nice to see them in a humorous light :)