Merry Christmas!!

"Lights" by Nidhi Chanani

Meghna's Wish to Santa

 This year for Christmas, Meghna would like to request Santa to bring the possibility of a small wedding within her Indian community. "Please Santa, I don't want to shake hands with strangers all night long..."

"Best Present (is you)" by Nidhi Chanani

 

Saniya's Wish to Santa

This year for Christmas, Saniya would like to request Santa to bring the possibility of meetings with desis who have a broader view of love than just Duty, Service and Sacrifice. "Please Santa, I don't want to sacrifice my morning's beauty sleep to dutifully serve chai to my future husband..."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

"Pa-ra-pa-pum-pum" by Nidhi Chanani

Meghna’s take on Desi Love

What is Desi Love? Well, it’s not like Desi films show. Bollywood movies have a very lovely idea of love, which unfortunately is not very real. The best way to explain would probably to make a comparison with fairy tales. There are a hero or prince, a heroine or princess, a villain or evil person and some other characters. Love conquers all. Evil is defeated. Somehow, I’ve never encountered evil in my life, have you? And a hero or prince? Nah, him neither.

So, let’s get real. What is Desi Love is real life? When I look around me I see it’s taking care of each other, although that is a quite broad notion and leads to the question, “What is taking care of each other?” Ha! I believe many Desi people consider that what I would call “fulfilling your duty”.  Just like Saniya mentioned, most Desi people express their love via Duty, Service and Sacrifice.  In other words, the man provides the woman (and perhaps the kids too) with a house, clothes and food. The woman takes care of the house, washes the clothes and cooks the food. From what I’ve seen both of them are involved in raising the children (though that differs per family!) and nowadays, I see many Desi women working too (also differs per family!). However, the traditional roles are respected.

"What is Desi Love? Desi Love is Duty, Service and Sacrifice" by Saniya

As I have mentioned in a previous post, I want to talk about how Desis view Love. All over the world, everyone has their own opinion and idea of what love is and what people can do around them for them to feel love. For one it is being able to communicate, for another it is physical involvement, for yet another it might be how much effort their loved one puts into looking presentable for society...


The more Desis I speak to and interact with about this topic, the more I realize that most Desis have a similar point of view of Love. Love, according to Desis, is Duty, Service and Sacrifice.

Arranged Marriage vs. Love Marriage

As I (Meghna) was wrecking my brain trying to define Desi Love, I eavesdropped on the most wonderful conversation in the train today. I just have to share this with you.

A man, somewhere in his thirties came to sit opposite me and a guy of about 22 came to sit next to me. They were obviously in the middle of a conversation because the 30-something guy said and I quote, “We had all these weddings in our circle of friends and then she stopped nagging as well, so…” My eyes immediately looked for his hands and I noticed a shiny golden wedding ring around his right-hand ring finger. Ah, a newly wed!

He went on by talking about this friend of his, who wasn’t married yet but seriously considered “because all his friends were already married and he and his girlfriend didn’t want to be left behind.” In sum, the reasons for marrying according to this worldly wise man are:

1. Because you keep going to weddings of your friends.

2. You need your girlfriend to stop whining about it.

3. You do not want to be left behind (God forbid!).

Now call me a crazy romantic but I always thought that the first and foremost reason to get married was simply, in one word…hold your breath…love?

What is Desi Love?

Lately I found myself reading many blogs on interracial couples and romance and it got me thinking about what love is for Desis. I do admire these couples for giving love a try. I think it is hard enough for two individuals from the SAME culture to try and make a relationship work, never mind two people from who different cultures, especially two people from opposite cultures :) Respect!



"Stay" by Nidhi Chanani



So what is love for Desis? How do they express their love? What do they need in order to feel love? What do they think they need to do in order to show their partner that they love them? How much of their beliefs and feelings is culturally bound and how much belongs to them as an individual? Everyone sees love in a different way and has their own interpretation of what love is, right? So how does a Desi see love? And how does a desi make a relationship work, be it with another desi or not?

I have had many countless conversations with many Desis, including Meghna, about love (which is one of the reasons we started this blog). So I decided to start the topic “What is Desi Love?” Maybe once we all start talking about it openly, we can all figure it out together?

Priya Koothrapali in "The Big Bang Theory"

I know that they are on their fifth season but I must say that I did not really get into The Big Bang Theory until this past year. I immediately fell in awe of Sheldon Cooper, or should I say, Jim Parsons. His acting is amazing and his character is also.. just.. amazingly unbelievable!

As I kept watching, the other characters grew on me. At first, being of Indian descent, I was not sure how to react to Raj Koothrappali. Here is an Indian guy, intelligent, supposedly independent and working hard.. who cannot speak to girls unless he is drunk though he desperately wants a girlfriend, chooses love over money and sometimes has qualities which people mostly associate with females. His parents are rich and extremely conservative so they want him to marry an Indian girl. Which is a stereotype but also, often a very recognizable stereotype.. But I must say that over time, I have grown accustomed to him being on the show as part of the group.. :)

By the time season 4 comes around, Raj's sister, Priya, is introduced. At first, I didn't notice her that much, I was too focused on finding out what the next thing Sheldon would do, in all his naive sincerity and complete lack of social awareness, to drive his friends and in particular, his roommate Leonard, up the wall.

But when Meghna and I started discussing My Desi Love Life, we spoke in particular about desi girls dating guys outside their community/culture/race. And then possibly having a relationship and marrying this so called boyfriend. And then, it suddenly dawned on me. We have one on Prime Time Television! Priya Koothrappali, on TBBT, is a desi girl, who becomes (kind of) involved with Leonard Hofstadter!

So how confronting is it, to see Priya's behavior towards Leonard? Is that really how desi girls behave towards having a boyfriend that is not a desi guy? Keeping him a secret, treating him like a friend in front of everyone but being lovers when alone. Then trying to change him, mother him, take care of him, boss him around, help him when he needs help, etc. Would she behave the same way if he was a desi guy?

And what about the many faces she has, one for her brother, one for Leonard, one for her family, one for society.. Doesn't it make you wonder, how many different roles a desi girl has to play in order to keep everyone happy while also trying to figure out what makes her happy? So many different identities, so many lies. All the hiding, the secrecy, then being open about her relationship with some people but it cannot get out to the Indians, because Indians talk and may the parents never find out about this because she is supposed to be a pure, innocent and sweet Indian daughter?

So I thought it would be interesting to dedicate a couple of posts to this representation of a desi girl dating a white guy on television and all the little things they deal with, which is recognizable to many desi guys and girls. I am glad that it is a sitcom, for though some of the situations are extremely serious (because the consequences would be quite drastic for Priya's life), still, it is nice to see them in a humorous light :)

3rd (and final) Twilight Revelation: The Vampire vs. The Werewolf



Werewolf...vampire...werewolf...vampire...werewolf...vampire...:p



The last thing I want to say about that day/night and those movies is, as it turned it, the most controversial point one could make. At some point during the break I said to the girls something like ‘You know, I kinda like the other guy better than your Edward’. Their eyes became wide, their mouths opened to produce a unanimous ‘Noooooooooooo!!!!!’ Apparently, I was a heretic for saying this and an explanation was demanded. This is what I said.

‘The vampire lied to her. I know he does that to protect her, but still. He lies. Honesty is the first rule of every healthy, serious relationship. Then, this werewolf is so patient with her and takes care of her, whereas the other guy left her. No girl in her right mind wants a guy who lies to her and leaves her.’

2nd Twilight Revelation: Inter-specieal dating

As the second movie proceeded I became absolutely fascinated. Suddenly there were two supernatural guys and one girl. Three different species! Inter-specieal dating J

At some point during the movie I chuckled. It wasn’t a funny moment and Priya shot me a dark look which I had to explain during the break. In a nutshell,  this is what happened in the beginning of the movie. The vampire realizes how vulnerable his human girlfriend is in his world and leaves her and lies about it in order to protect her. She’s heart-broken and reaches out to the werewolf, who makes her feel better and almost heals her. Now, I chuckled because at that point I knew she was developing feelings for the werewolf. When I said this to the girls they looked at me as if I was an ancient prophet.

‘How do you know?!’ they gaped at me.

‘I know love.’ was my answer. In that moment, I changed from chauffeur and babysitter, to the cool, all-knowing cousin :D

‘Look,’ I explained, ‘when you’re hurting and someone manages to heal you, love is usually the cure. Unless, you go to the doctor for a broken leg. There is a bond between them and it’s different than with the vampire, it’s less intense, easier. But yes, it is love, a different kind of love.’ Silence. Turns out I was right too, can you imagine the smug smile on my face? ;-)

The most interesting part for me was not the love-triangle that was emerging, it was the inter-specieal dating part. I noticed with interest how she was warmly accepted into the vampire family. Only one of his sisters made a big deal over the fact that she was a different from a species. The rest of the family loved her at once. Something similar happens in the werewolf pack, she is accepted at once. Despite the fact that she’s a total outsider.

Meghna's 1st Twilight Revelation: The Girl’s Choice

As I sat there in the movie theatre with three giggling, gasping and swooning girls next to me, I found myself fascinated with the choice presented on the white screen. Here’s a girl, madly in love with her vampire boyfriend, who at the age of 17 has decided that she wants to be a vampire too. She wants to be with him, always and forever. Maybe I’m a cynic, maybe I’m completely unromantic, but I kept wondering how does she know? How can she be so damn sure?

Part of me envied her. I wish that I could’ve felt that confident about my first love. Don’t get me wrong, I loved that guy with all my heart and soul too, but somehow I was never able to say ‘I want to be with him forever’. I did feel as if I’d love him forever, but I couldn’t make the choice she makes. I couldn’t have changed myself for him. I turned to my young girlfriends for clarification. I asked the simple question of ‘Could you make the choice she’s making?’ They started nodding their heads fanatically. 

Nidhi Chanani's artwork

As you may have noticed, we have finally chosen our first profile picture! This picture that we are using is created by Nidhi Chanani. We first saw her work on www.gorigirl.com and fell in love with it immediately! Nidhi creates wonderful moments in love in her images which are extremely inspiring for us who are thinking and writing about love. Nidhi has been kind enough to allow us to use her artwork once in a while, so be on the look out for stories and blogs inspired by her artwork! If you want to see more of her work, you can go to 
http://www.e-nidhi.com/.


Thanks again Nidhi!

"Surprises" by Nidhi Chanani, retrieved from http://www.e-nidhi.com/

Meghna was dragged to Twilight and felt haunted afterwards...

A few weeks ago, my twelve-year-old cousin, Priya, approached me with an “urgent request”. She fairly begged me to take her to the Twilight-marathon at the movie theatre. The what??

“Twilight-marathon! They’re showing all the Twilight movies up till Breaking Dawn!” Breaking what?? A half-hour explanation of the Twilight series followed, complete with in-depth analysis on vampires, werewolves, humans and love. The last part caught my attention. Is it a love story? Interesting. Still, why would I go?

“Please Meghna, please will you take me? No one else will take me…” Her big, bright, brown, begging eyes were irresistible and she knew this, of course.

“It can be an early birthday present!” Her birthday is in July… Anyway, I caved. She jumped up in the air and started calling her best friends, who had to come with her. It began to occur to me that my role in this was part babysitter, part chauffeur, part…I dunno… cool, older cousin?

So, on a sunny but cold day me and Priya, picked up Ashley and Christina (the best friends) and headed for an 11 hour-show of teenage/vampire/werewolf love drama. I didn’t know anything about Twilight, which according to Priya was actually “perfect because I would see all the movies in a row!” Perfection indeed. On the way, the girls kept giggling over Edward’s hair (that’s the vampire) and Jacob’s six-pack (that’s the werewolf). When I heard this I nearly hit a tree, how old were they again?

About twelve hours later I was dazzled. Not by the vampire, not by the werewolf, but by the thoughts, reflections and discussions with the girls the movies provoked. There’s inter-racial dating, or should I say inter-specieal (I know that’s not a word :p) dating, there’s loving two guys at the same time, there’s holding on to lost love, there’s changing yourself for love, there’s dying out of love….the list is endless!! I felt haunted afterwards, still feel that way. Maybe that’s the supernatural element? Anyway, the coming days I will explain all that these movies revealed to me about love, about myself and a little bit about my three young girlfriends. I hope you will enjoy it!

'Playing the field. Right… how does that work exactly?' by Meghna

When I was a little girl, I always thought that when I grow up I would meet a man one day. A man who would take my breath away just by looking into my eyes. And in precisely that moment, I’d know he was mine. My guy forever.

As I actually grew up I began to realize that things were a bit more complicated in real life. I’d locked eyes with countless guys and never felt that he was my guy. To be honest, now, in my twenties, I wish (but know that’s never gonna happen) that a guy would pop up in front of me with the words “I’m your guy” stamped on his forehead. Wouldn’t save me a whole lot of trouble and trying?!

A friend sort of talked me into dating, you know, playing the field. I really hate that expression. I mean, playing? Come on, doesn’t that create the impression that you’re playing people? Like toying with their emotions? I don’t want to toy with anyone’s emotions. I made this clear to my friend.

‘No, it’s not like that’ she said. ‘It’s like…shopping!’ I believe I raised my eyebrows at that point.

‘Yes!’ she shouted excitedly. ‘Shopping! You know, when you see a dress you like you want to try it on, right? Make sure it looks as good on you as it does on the rack. You want to be sure that it makes your body look good too. That your hips are not bigger, or your boobs smaller, all that stuff. On top of that, you want to be certain that the fabric will not irritate your skin and that you can afford to buy it and feel good in it.’

‘Okay, I get your point. Where does love fit in?’ I asked.

‘Consider finding love, finding the perfect little black dress that you’re gonna wear for ages. You’re lucky dress. You want to make sure that this guy is as nice as he seems, that you can live with his flaws, that you can talk to him and that you feel good with him etc. In short, that you can grow old with him. To find out, you start dating. If, while dating you discover he’s not right for you, you stop dating and wait for the next guy to date.’

Introducing Saniya

Growing up in a desi culture, you’re made to believe many things about men and women which suddenly changes when you become an adult. As a child, you are told to respect your elders and not to question the decisions made for you about your life. Often, you are not encouraged to think for yourself neither to have a strong opinion. Especially if you are a girl.

Marriage is often the only goal in life for a girl and learning to please your future mother-in-law is basically your most important life’s lessons. Without a man, you will not be able to take care of yourself. Nor will society add any value to you as a single girl.

© Nidhi Chanani

Enter me, Saniya. Too strong an opinion about anything, questions everything anyone says, likes to think for herself and take responsibility for her own actions. Marriage is not my goal in life, neither is pleasing my future mother-in-law. And I do believe a woman does not need a man to be a valuable asset to society.

But I do like the idea of love and marriage. I do like the idea of having a partner for life. So if I do find someone who is faithful to me, is willing to make his own chai in the morning and love and accept me for who I am, great! And if not.. maybe he will find me instead!

Introducing Meghna

I have a friend, who’s made it her life’s mission to find me a boyfriend. She really believes I need one and that without him my life is incomplete. Conveniently, she’s convinced she found my Prince Charming. Small problem is, I disagree.

I have a mother, who’s made it her life’s mission to find me a husband. She really believes I need one and without him I would be a helpless little girl.
(Un)fortunately, she hasn’t found a suitable boy just yet.

I am Meghna and I’ve made it my life’s mission to find love. I really believe in love. Always have and always will. I don’t believe I need a man to complete my life or to take care of me. I’d just like to swim through life’s river with someone rather than alone. I’m looking for someone to laugh with, cry with, to love and to fight. A soulmate.

Photo from http://www.cc.gatech.edu/cpl/projects/graphcuttextures/ (No copywright infringement intended)

Happy Diwali!

Happy Diwali to all of you! Have a wonderful day! May this new year bring you lots of happiness, prosperity and love :)